here's a little mush..

Today, I’m in denial.

I REFUSE to accept the weird things happening in this world. Mostly, I refuse to be saddened by the fact that 2 people who I hold very dear to my heart are moving on – because I know they’re going to better places, securing their destinies, and finding happiness outside where their happiness no longer seems to lie.

Instead, I CHOOSE LIFE. No.. I choose to LIVE.

More Henry David Thoreau than Trainspotting of course (Except that part about the hasty conclusion that we’re here on earth to glorify God – if that’s so, then I’m BUYING that conclusion! I believe, wholeheartedly, that we ARE here for that reason and that reason alone. Read Psalm 115!).. My angst-ridden days are over, after all! As opposed to my former self, I’m now left wondering what exactly IS so bad about having a job, career, and family? :P Security isn’t bad at all, neither is an IKEA-catalogue lifestyle. And children aren’t monsters, although they CAN reveal how monster-like we “grown-ups” can be..

I WILL NOT feel sad, stressed or sick. Instead, today I choose to "live deliberately" and “suck out all the marrow of life,” and open myself to the myriad of possibilities awaiting me. All things are possible to those who believe, diba? ;)

Because today I choose to fall.. and perhaps, in doing so, discover that I can FLY..

:)

I just love it when God proves me wrong.

I love how He can dispel all my assumptions, exceed all my expectations, and just show me how much greater life can be when He is in control.

I love how He’s never broken a promise, how He’s never too early or too late, that He’s forever  on time, and that He always makes me appreciate how things unfold in my life sooner or later.

I love how He speaks to me in the most unexpected of ways, whether it’s through a complete stranger or someone familiar, never tiring of romancing me, or telling me that He’s all I need.

I love how He’s always asking me to seek Him, and that He’s always there to be found – no matter how busy I get or how stressful life can be.

I love how, in His eyes, I will always be a princess and that I deserve no less than the utmost care and respect.

Most of all, I love how He gives me HOPE.. In people, in circumstances, in everything.. Because I know that if I just trust in Him, things will never go wrong, no matter how bleak or discouraging things turn out sometimes. Because I know He LOVES me infinitely more than my mind can comprehend..

Channeling Beatrice

I decided to have my quiet time during lunch today, reading a chapter from Elisabeth Eliott’s Keep A Quiet Heart (the one on Waiting), and contemplating on a question that’s been in my heart for a while now.. A question I am afraid to confront, but one that must be dealt with nonetheless.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
-Psalm 27:14

God answered me today, and it’s funny how simple the answer is: TRUST ME.

I got home late last night from 3 gatherings, the last of which left me tired and feeling a bit uneasy about myself.. It’s sometimes difficult to see yourself through the eyes of friends who’ve known you for so long, those who know you inside-out, even the things you don’t really care to admit. Yes, you can laugh about your past because that is no longer the person who you are.. And your friends will constantly remind you of how far you’ve come. Question is, how do you reconcile who you are as yourself now with the person whom they enjoyed being with back then? Simply: You CAN’T. Be who you are and stand your ground, and believe that in the long run they will respect you for it.

Last night’s Cena/Bizu was an “update” of sorts for “the mares” – one of those rare occasions wherein we got a chance to share to one another things we missed experiencing together (whether love life, career, or whatever). My company seemed a little disappointing to them as I hardly had anything to share. :) Allotte actually said “Mare, you don’t share anymore.. You used to share even your crushes with us!” That’s true.. But I really had nothing to share. To say “I’m very happy” just won’t cut it anymore. Saying “I’m at peace” is true but would be unappreciated. And my love life? Just something they wouldn’t be able to understand.

Someone once told me he had to end our relationship because I was “hindering him from God.” During that time, I found it so WEIRD. But now I SO GET IT. And I even find myself saying “I have to rid myself of that distraction!” quite a bit. Statements like that merit smirks, scoffs, and giggles where I’m at, and I usually have a hard time explaining decisions like those to the people around me. Still, it’s a “heart decision” and I couldn’t really care any less what people think of me!

This afternoon, when I was reading Elisabeth Eliott’s entry on Waiting, I couldn’t help but say “Omigosh! I’m so NOT patient pala! I ALWAYS have to be in control.” Then I realized that being like that, wanting to be in control all the time, is just plain mistrusting God. Because wanting to be in control means I don’t believe He can give me my heart’s desires, only I can. Like I’M the one who created the universe. Yeah, right.. How overly cocky of me to think that I would know what’s best for me. That’s why my patience is a work in progress. God keeps testing me because it’s something I have yet to learn.. Again and again and again.

I am BY NO MEANS a very patient person. Oh, I CAN be patient.. but I do tend to get ahead of myself most of the time. Simple things like waiting for pictures to upload on Multiply (F5 again.. O diba? I’m so impatient I already know the refresh shortcut!), waiting for my window wipers to work, or (darn it) even when it comes to the men in my life. Diba, Reg? ;) I’ve NEVER given them the opportunity to come through for me simply because I take things into my own hands, believing that I don’t need anyone or anything from anyone.. I am Beatrice. I don’t need rescuing, even if I desperately need it!

Stand I condemn'd for pride and scorn so much?
Contempt, farewell! and maiden pride, adieu!
No glory lives behind the back of such.
- Act III, Scene I

Now why did I say all that? I have ABSOLUTELY no idea.

Oh, yeah.. Because it has something to do with WAITING, and how this means I’m totally surrendering my hopes and dreams to my Maker, and that everyday He asks me to be patient and wait on Him, because He knows EXACTLY what He’s doing, and I’m NOT to precede Him for anything.

So.. that’s it. I NEED to TRUST GOD and just believe that whatever He gives or doesn’t give me, whatever He chooses to work in my life, is what’s BEST.. Whether I understand it now or not.